No matter how worthless you think you are, you are always a hero to somebody else
No Matter How Worthless You Think You are, You are Always a Hero to Somebody Else
Where did I go wrong?
Why'd everything turns out wrong?
Am I wrong?
Is it all my fault?
Joan sat there in the middle of his bed. Stared blankly at the walls in front of him. His hands on his lap, already red and swollen from him fisted it too hard. It's almost a week without him go out other than to the bathroom or just took a sip of drink. He didn't go to school, didn't go out to buy groceries (bet his fridge is already empty as hell), didn’t take a fresh air, didn't check on his phone. He's a complete mess for a whole week.
It's not like his family would care anyway. His mother was working aboard and his dad was just a bastard that choose a terrible woman out there over his wife and child.
It's a week already. Why can't I man up and face the reality?
It's just a week ago. After the exam. Their team had a game after exam, but his parents-his dad, in this case- had this condition. If he couldn't pass in any subject, he couldn’t go to the match.
He was confident enough. He knew his grade is good. Well, not the best, but still good. But maybe his parents--or maybe it's just his dad-- doesn't think B- is good enough.
As the result, he couldn't come to the game. Their team loses the match. And his position as a captain made it even worse
He wasn't good enough as a student
Not good enough as a captain
Not good enough as a son
Not good enough as a human being
All that thought crumbled inside his head, made his world spinning and start to break
~~oo00oo~~
Two days passed, he finally came to practice. All his friends immediately gushed to him how much they worried (You didn't reply our texts and didn't come to school blah blah blah) and some of them just smack his back as a sign of welcome. Joan just stared at them, then stared at the first years--the new juniors--that just smiled awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
They keep patted his back, told him some he-always-said-terrible jokes, talked about how practice went without him, keep smiled and laughed like usual, as if nothing happened.
But all he could see is just them staring down at him and said he's not worth their time
He doesn't deserve a captain position
He better leave.
"...and so she just left me there hanging! Crazy, right? Hey bro, are you with me?"
Joan blinked two times, turns his head to the right and saw Will that recounted his not-so-well first date with a girl from cheerleader team. Realize that he's spacing out, he let out a small awkward giggle.
"S-sorry. I just..."
"Jo, are you okay? You look like you've lose some weight." one of his teammates commented.
"Yeah. What happened? Are you sick back then?"
"Oooh... so maybe that's why you're off for a whole week?"
Will stared at his bestfriend, now looking down to his shoes. Gripped his hand more to Joan's shoulder only made him jolted and stepped back before running away from him making all the team stared at him in confuse.
~~oo00oo~~
He doesn't even realize where his step is. He just sat at the chair nearby. Staring at the park, where many students sat there for chilling or do some assignments.
He got too consumed by the peace around him and didn't realized that someone’s followed him and sat beside him. Once he realized there's heavy air beside him, he turns his face to his right and found a thug-looking girl staring at him with her frown.
"What do you want, Selena?" Joan asked, seems rather disturbed by the presence of the girl.
"I can't sit here? As long as I know, this is a public place." Selena answered rather calmly made Joan scowled at the answer.
Seeing them together must be kind of funny or weird at other people's point of view. A good-looking boy like Joan--short black hair with a trusting eyes-- hang out with some thug like Selena--unruly light blonde hair and a sharp red eyes-- is kinda scary at some point.
"Leave me alone," Joan murmured under his breath, but still audible for the blonde beside him. He heard some snort noise from his side, signing that the girl beside him was hiding her laugh. But all he sees is a smug looking on her face.
"What's wrong with you? Don't have a ball to fight me, hm?"
"I'm not punching a girl."
"You did slap me and push me to the floor back then."
"Shut up."
"No"
"You're unbelievable."
"Sure I do."
Joan groans and put his forehead to his hand. Already tired with all the troubles behind his back, and Selena's presence did not helping at all.
"Why're you still here?" He asked again after Selena doesn't even move from her place. Still sitting there, staring at him.
"You don't want me to be here?" she raised her eyebrows. Her mouth make a slight pout and Joan think it's pretty cu--nope. He's not calling this boyish girl cute. "So you rejecting me after all you've done?"
"What have I done, anyway? Don't make me sound like I just harassed you."
"You gives me will to live again."
Joan shut his mouth. That brings him back to his first year with her. Last year was hard for her in many ways. She was used to be the ace of girl basketball team and actually was a part of the team with a scolarships in her hands. She said it's take a few of her dad's burden since this school is expensive as hell.
But there's this girl that doesn't like her in team and started to make a fake threat for her and got her kicked out from the team and her scolarships be taken away. Her dad insisted so she could still go to this school--he said if she can't have the best basketball team she could get the best education--, but it hurted her more when she saw her dad got home, heavily tired, and with a thight burden and money expenses.
Joan sighed, leaned his back to the chairhead. Refused to look Selena in the eyes
"I only knock some sense to you. Don't make it sounds like a heroic thing."
"It IS a heroic thing. At least for me."
That sent Joan into silent again. That drives him back at the time he saw Selena being bullied and she didn't even fought back until he had to do it for her. The time he slapped her to the ground just to tell her she's not that useless. Gave her more power until she could stand again and took her scolarship back.
"You're quite. That means I'm right." Selena got up from her seat and stood in front of Joan, smirking. Joan looked away from her, staring at the grass on the ground.
“Look, Joan…” Selena sighed and put her hand to his shoulder. “You’re not weak. You’re not useless. You know that by yourself.”
Joan scoffed and pushed her hands away from him. “Well I was wrong. I am useless, I don’t deserve captain position, and I can’t even get those splendid scores my dad wanted.”
“Your dad?” Joan looked up and saw Selena lifted her right eyebrow. “What’s with your dad?”
“Well you know…” Joan gulped and scratched the back of his head. “He…saw my math grades and…he was mad because I got B- and he said I could’ve done better.”
“That’s not just it, isn’t it?” Selena grimmaced her face, while Joan could hear a soft growl from her.
“He…beat me up. I can’t walk for three days.”
Selena sighed and scratched her blonde hair while placed her right hand on her waist. Glared at Joan and made him stiffened at his seat.
“Listen,” Selena sighed and gripped Joan’s shoulder. “He can’t even control your life, okay? He only thinks about himself, not even considered your and your mother’s life and choose to leave. And now, when he’s down he come back and tell you what you have to be?! Nonsense! He is not worth your time, he doesn’t deserved a father title. He only do that to act like he cares, which he don’t.”
Joan flinched when Selena’s tone became a little bit angry. Her hands gripped his shoulder thightly. Damn, her strength is always unbelievable.
“He’s the worst…” Selena whispered and let go of Joan’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you still call him ‘dad’ after what he has done to you…”
“He has the right to punish me because of my grades--”
“No, he’s not! Damnit Joan, open your eyes!” Selena snapped and grab his shoulders again, this time tighter.
“Don’t be hypocrite, Selena. You will do the same if you got bad scores and your father punishes you.”
“My father devoted his life for me after my mother’s dead! And he never punishes me, he knows how suck I am at math!” she let go again. Sighed and brushed her hair back and started at him intently. “I can’t pay him with academic scores, he understands. And he understand that I want to repay him, so he let me play basketball eventhough I’m such a mess because of that. Your father on the other hand, he expected everything from you and do nothing to support you.”
Joan closed his mouth. Stared at his hands. All the bruises he made because the thought of him failed his father, because his brain screamed he’s useless after his father’s words, all of them went away after Selena’s words.
“You’re not a failure, Joan…” Selena sat back beside him, this time closer to him. “I always think you’re a saviour, because that slapping accident.”
“I already said that I just knock some sense to you.”
“Did I repay you enough?”
Joan stared at her, asked for an explanation. Surprisingly, Selena answered it with a smile. A most sincere smile ever. Not a grin, not a smirk, just a smile. A reassuring smile that he didn't knew she could give.
“I knock a sense that you’re not a worthless. You’re a hero for me.”
Joan laughed at her words. Jerked his head back and stared to the sky.
“I’m not worthless…” he smiled at the thought and sighed.
“Damn right I’m not.”
